I'll take a #2 supersized with an extra helping of GIVE ME A FRIGGIN BREAK!

OK.... yesterday at MB I learned that a fellow geek was lucky enough to strike the 250+ million dollar powerball jackpot along with 11 other co-workers. Each one came home yesterday with a cool 5 mil post tax. Now come on! Nobody really wins those things.... right? Especially people that I know. Damn... the luck of some people. It seems that no matter what, I can't seem to catch a piece of anything good. Home sucks, work sucks, money sucks, blah blah blah. What does one have to do. I think I am going to start carrying around a rabbits foot or crawl around like a fool outside digging around for four leaf clovers. Something has gotta give! Hopefully it comes in the form of an extra large paycheck! WTF?

I must be too sexy...

When you feel that nobody loves you,
Nobody cares for you,
And everyone is ignoring you,
You should start asking yourself...


Am I TOO sexy?

Can you Super Size that?

OK... somebody stop me! At the drop of the hat I could crack and drive through McD's and supersize a Big Mac meal and inhale it before I even left the parking lot. I'm sitting here looking at my Smart One's frozen meal worth all of 6 points hungry enough to eat the packaging that it comes in along with the not so yummy entree it contains.

Ever since I began eating again after my weekend hiatus, I have had a hard time staying focused on my "Fatties R' Us" regime. I am craving everything in sight - It's CRAZY! I drooled at the sight of a 3 berry sundae on the snack bar poster at Sam's yesterday. I dreamt last night of Caramel Treasures, fried chicken, rye bread and dill dip.

So, at this moment I am officially re-committing myself back to the diet - this is my sworn oath.

"Hello, my name is #$%&^ and I am a lard-ass and compulsive overeater. "
Welcome to Weight Watchers fattie!!!!

Awww ..... Isn't that sweet?

Actual text from a birthday card given to me by two students:

"Happy Birthday Ms. #$%^&. Just want to let u know that u are 29yrs old. Thats not old. Just remember that u are a cute butterfly soaring in the air not let'n nobody bring u down."

The other card I received from my team has a picture of a half naked, sweatty man holding a basketball on the front. Now that's what I'm talking about!!

I love my job sometimes! They sure know how to make me feel better about being another year older.

BFF Beeatch

I just had to give a quick "shout out" to my beeatch ADK for being the most awesome and supportive friend in the world, who also happened to put together the most amazing b-day present for me ever. She hijacked my compact flash from the camera and had all of my trainwrecked pictures from the photo field trip developed and is having them framed and matted. You're the best! I can never fully express how much I appreciate all that you and your hubby do for me. You guys are always there for me with some good booze, food, conversation and advice. I love you guys!!

Lifeline

OK now... I know I am going to turn even older tomorrow for a nearly monumental birthday BUT today when I got home from a little pre-birthday celebratory with ADK, I notice I had a call from Lifeline on the caller ID. WTF?? Not that this week has been enough stress on me or anything.... and now I have Ethel and "I've fallen and I can't get up" calling me?!?! Puhleez!!!!!

In other news.... J, I'm glad we talked. I love you.

Curveballs....

It's crazy how quickly things in your life can change.... sometimes for the better and sometimes, unfortunately, for the worse. The fiancee of someone who works with my friend died in a car accident on Thursday. They lived together... made plans together... etc... They had an argument on the cell phone that night as he was driving home. Minutes after hanging up, he was dead. Her life is suddenly turned upside down. I am sure tons of regrets run through her head. Did she say I love you? What if they wouldn't have fought? He might still be alive....

Of course, my boyfriend did not die suddenly, but that doesn't stop the regrets from filling my mind. All of the what if's... all of the maybe's... Everything is so easy to see now. I just wish that I had the ability to turn back time, because if I did I wouldn't have nagged, I wouldn't have picked the fights, I woudn't have said the terribly hateful things that I said and maybe, JUST MAYBE, he would still be here. Instead of all the riff-raff that I dealt him, I simply should have told him how I felt....that I loved him, and still do, love him unconditionally. He is the most amazing, giving, caring, talented person that I have met and he inspires me to be a better person. After all, isn't that what matters most? The Love? What he said in a dream, or how many beers he drank or the fact the he wasn't ready to go to bed are really, in hindsight, stupid... petty things to let ruin such a wonderful relationship.

Hopefully time will help - to either fix what is broken or give us the strength to go on. If you love someone, you have to love enough to make it through lifes obstacle course because the simple truth of it is......LIFE IS TOO SHORT! You never know when the person you love can be taken out of your life just as quickly as they came into it. You mustn't take anything or especially anyone for granted.

More Pics

Here are some more pics from my recent photo field trip.

Photo Essay

Yesterday, ADK convinced me that I should get out of the house to try and get my mind off of things. We decided to go on a photo excursion. After 3 stops, almost getting mauled by 2 Great Dane guard dogs and nearing frostbite on all extremities, I think we both managed to get some good pics. I see a lot of my feelings in some of the photos. I've included them in some of the next posts.

J... I love you. I'm sorry

Direction

I don't know where the tracks of life will take me now. Will they include him, or must I travel them alone? Can he see that the person that I am now is still the same person he fell in love with? Does he know that life throws us curveballs.... Does he know that we can overcome and find the directions that we both lost somewhere along our journey?

Offender

Hurt... anger... regret... Who's at fault? I'm overcome by guilt. Why can't you stay? You came into my life a quickly as you chose to leave it. You tread on my heart... left your footprints... then left my life. I can't understand why... If you love me... as you say you do... WHY does this have to be the end?

Tracks

What now? What if? All questions that are killing me because there are no answers. All of the plans and dreams and hopes and wants seem so far down the tracks.... Do I have enough strength to get there on my own? Does he have enough love to see that he is my strength and I need him as much as he needs me... to get there together... so we can be happy again like we used to be.

Rusty

Now that I am old... and rusty... Where will I go? Will he see through all of my corrosion and find again what he found when we met... and he loved me as much as I loved him? Can he trust that I can be new again because I love him enough to fix what is broken?

Nuts

How I feel now when I know what I have done might have caused irreversible damage to the best thing in my life. How I feel now when I can't hear his voice, or hold his hand. How I feel knowing that I might have to face another day without him. How I feel knowing that my master plan might need to be recreated.... without him.

Postal

A good friend and frequent visitor to my blog pointed out the fact that I was rather bitchy in my post about people bothering me. P, I assure you that you were not the person that I almost had to go postal on. I'll give you one guess who was though ! :-)

The Pinnacle

I'm getting ready to leave for the 2nd night of "the pinnacle". I thought last night was going to be uneventful - there were no strangulations, no drunken fights where dad ends up throwing someone through the garage door window, no slashed tires, etc - UNTIL I ran in to JB. JB - the cool stud that I dated back in my wonder years...... until the unimaginable happened. Yes kids.... back in the day when it was cool to wear your beau's letterman jacket when you were "going out", I dated JB. We were quite the cool couple, until that one fateful night while wearing his jacket I barfed on it. YES - barfed, chucked, spewed, hurled..... however you want to say it. The was the end of our relationship until last night when he spoke the first words to me since "the incident". I got a hug, a "hey! what's up girl, it's good to see you" and a few beers and some conversation out of him.

I found out he - the stud of all studs, man of all mans, jock of all jocks in high school - turned out to be a real looser so it is probably a good thing I barfed on his jacket....... Maybe I should have bought him a few beers for his troubles back in the day. Oh well....